i beat my ass every chance that i get,
til its so red that its tender to the touch,
wishing that marks would be left,
that i could make it bleed.
Hoping that it would make me
feel worthy of You and Your
love, to measure up, to be wanted,
to be lovable, to be desirable, to be
able to be taught, to never fail,
to be smart, to learn things.
But seems that i can't do it alone.
i need help to feel them. Something
that i wasn't really getting, because
everything that i did was wrong.
i was made to feel unworthy, imperfect,
unwanted, unlovable, unteachable,
worthless, undesirable, a dumbass,
stupid, a failure, couldn't do anything
right, couldn't say anything right, always
in the wrong, that i deserved any and all
punishment, extremely lacking, unteachable,
that i couldn't learn, that no matter what
everything was my fault, that i would never
measure up, that i was pushed aside. i
rarely ever got to hear things from You
Yourself, it always had to go through
So yes, i beat myself to feel pain, always
hoping that it will make me feel that all
those things are false. Maybe one day
the pain will make me feel it without You,
it will probably take years to stop the crying
over the lost. But it's always will be my fault
for the lost, no matter what.
Yes, the pain feels great. i just wished that it
was someone else doing the swinging so that
it would be harder, more sting, so it would
hurt worse, to leave the welps bleeding.
Yes, it would be a quicker punishment, not
really long lasting, not like this pain that i
am going through now. All i know is that
i want this pain to stop. i want to stop
hurting deep down inside, but i don't
know how. I can't do it alone. i need
Your help, Your love but i know that i will
never have that again.
i would have laid down and died for You,
and everyone else, but i was too unworthy
of even be asked to do that.
i have reached out, the rest is up to You.
i don't expect you to reach back out.
So i will keep beating myself, forever
if need be, because that seems to be the
only thing that i am worthy of..